Falling at the first fence

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I was angry. I told Him, that Him and me were over. No more prayers… He listened to me and laughed quietly to Himself…

My mother had just died after a long, painful illness. What was the point? My mother loved God and never faltered in her last years of suffering. She was an example to many and friends came to know the Saviour Jesus because of her.

For me, it was too much. Why suffer so terribly and then to just die at the end? My experiences were still too narrow and my faith too dependant on the outward goodness of God. So I blamed Him…

People tried to be kind at the funeral, but their words evaporated when they left. I was left. Left alone with only God…. what a wonderful position to be in, even though I didn’t appreciate it at the time..

There was no great “coming-back-to-God moment.” Only the gentle seeping in of grace and heart-healing that put His love back into my life, greater than before. A faith stronger than before and a devotion of knowing He was in control. God took away my rudder so that I would find Him as the mainstay of my soul. He taught me faith and love and showed me I could stand up and face whatever was required of me. This lesson has been the defining activity of my life.. to know Him and the power of His resurrection.

In all the years since, He has led me into ever more difficult and isolating places, but He is there. Everything I have is His. He is the only place to go. I go there now straight away, without thinking about it. His love never fails. His power is beyond me.

I will follow Him with everything I am, that I might know Him and everything He is… there is no end to this. Whatever my state, He knows it and I trust Him…

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